If Warriors Had Facebook (Repost)
by Zixes
Summary: What would life be like if warriors had weapons, alcohol, mansions, portals and FACEBOOK? Duh, they'd be just like us, idiots! A comedy by Disa, inspired by the moron men and women who are fools on Facebook. IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE THE SERIES I CAN HAND OVER CONTENT AND YOU CAN DO YOUR OWN! PLEASE PM ME AND CREDIT THE IDEA AND FIRST FIVE CHAPTERS. yoy.
1. Hollyleaf's Telstra Card

If Warriors Had Facebook:

What would happen if the warriors were like a lot of us and had Facebook? Find out here!

Hollyleaf was having a bad day. She'd like, just killed Ashfur, and her wifi was terrible. How was she gonna post it! That would teach Ferncloud for stealing her router!

"How am I supposed to get back to my life?!" she wailed, banging on the keyboard. She banged the keyboard for five minutes, willing the wifi to pick up speed. "I want my Facebook!"

As she whined and continued beating up the keyboard, Jayfeather walked in. "Oy, you idiot, that keyboard was expensive! Costed me $87, get your bloody paws off it!" He spoke with a British accent.

Hollyleaf looked at her paws. They were bloody. "Oh sorry, my bad."

Jayfeather growled. "Get out of here."

Hollyleaf hissed at him before getting off the cushioned desk chair. She walked out of the Japanese room. "Jay, you've RUINED my social LIFE."

"Get over it," he muttered.

As Hollyleaf walked out of the room, Jayfeather grabbed her ear and led her to the kitchen. "I have a surprise for you, though, because I actually spoke to you for once!"

"Whatever," mumbled Hollyleaf.

"Close your eyes and keep it zipped; Lionblaze is getting it."

He guided her through the large doorway to an oak chair and pushed her down. He silently beckoned for Lionblaze.

"LIONBLAZE, GET THE STUPID CARD YOU MORON!"

"Okay," said Lionblaze, coming into the room.

He was wearing an apron and some Jimmy Choo thongs. His looked woozy with happiness. "Sorry, I hooked up with Cinderheart delivery girl at the door. "

"Dude. Not now," snapped Jayfeather. "Give it to me."

Lionblaze handed over the small box he was holding. "Feel da power, Jay!" shouted Lionblaze.

"Why does everyone called me Jay?!"

"It's cool?"

"Good, good. Half Moon will like my profile pic for sure, then."

He handed the box over to Hollyleaf. "Open your eyes and look inside."

The black she-cat opened her eyes and looked in disdain at the box. She peeled off the tape and looked inside. It was empty. "WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? AN EMPTY BOX? THANKS, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU ONE TOO!"

She stuffed Jayfeather into the box. "Oy, you monster, let me out. Golly!"

"Lol, psych!" screamed Lionblaze, dancing around in his expensive shoes. "Here's the real thing-in-a-box." He held out a box that looked exactly the same.

Hollyleaf snatched the box out of Lionblaze's paws and looked inside. She gasped when she saw it. "Like OMG. A SIGNED picture of Mousewhisker Styles from One Cataraction? SQUEEEEEEEE!"

She hugged the box, then threw it into the garbage bin. "Anything else?"

"There was something else in that box. It's under the picture. I swear you'll love it."

Hollyleaf pushed Lionblaze away and snooped around the garbage abyss' edges until she found the box. She ripped up the Mousewhisker Styles picture and found what she needed the most underneath it. "A TELSTRA WIFI CARD! OMG OMG OMG OMG!"

She savoured the card, holding it in the air, while Jayfeather struggled in his prison and Lionblaze fell into the garbage abyss.

"CLARK RUBBEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" he yelled.

"Hollyleaf, this is ridiculous! Get me out of here now!" snarled Jayfeather. "Or I will personally delete Facebook forever."

"You wouldn't," whispered Hollyleaf.

"I would, I'm a nerd; I can figure anything out. Now let me out or I'll come out myself. Can't I have a compassionate sister or brother? You guys are the worst!"

Hollyleaf gently prised the edges of the small box open and Jayfeather leapt out like a god, snarling. "Let's test this wifi from Telstra. I'll log on too so we can see what's going on."

Hollyleaf wasn't listening to Jayfeather's plan; she had already charged out of the kitchen, gone down the long hallway, passed her fake-mother and knocked the wine glass out of Squirrelflight's paws. She rushed into the computer room where Cherrykit and Molekit were watching Waybuloo on the computer. "GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, KITS!"

"Okay," whimpered Cherrykit, gathering her MM's packet and backing out of the room.

Molekit continued to sit there, his eyes glued to the screen, until Hollyleaf whacked him in the face with the keyboard three times. "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!"

"Nuuu!" squealed Molekit, but he moved away from the soft chair, allowing Hollyleaf to sit down.

He climbed a bookshelf and sat there, watching Hollyleaf while he licked his face.

"Watch if you dare," breathed Hollyleaf, flexing her toes for a type-fest.

"Okie dokie."

"Then I begin."

She typed in her usename, HollyxMousexSomeOtherGuy. Then she prepared to type her password. She heavily sucked in air, waiting for the moment. And it happened.

She typed so quickly that a gust of wind blew around the room, knocking down books that only Jayfeather had read and studied. _War and Peace_ flew towards Hollyleaf, but she batted it away with a careless type of a few more keys. A Happy Feet 2 Eric doll thing collided with Molepaw. He fell off the bookshelf, hugging the toy. "Yay!"

A cyclops from Jayfeather's Percy Jackson collection knocked down its owner as he walked into the room. "Hollyleaf, honestly?!"

It pinned him down, and all he could do was watch as Annabeth Chase shattered into a million pieces. "The costed $726!"

"Stop telling me the cost of everything you got from your McDonalds employment pay cheque, I DON'T CARE!"

Finally she finished typing and pressed enter. The winds stopped and everything that was in the air fell. Everything that was on the floor rose, including Molekit and Jayfeather. "Weeeeeeeeeee!"

Hollyleaf make a _tsk_ sound and checked out her profile. Wow, this internet's quick! Takes about an hour for my profile to show up. I usually get a massage from some guy before it works. Woo!"

As her brother was suspended in the air with Molekit, she took a photo. Then she grabbed the video camera that was in the kitchen and replayed the moment when she got the WIFI CARD {LOVE} from her brothers. "This is gonna go VIRAL, suckers! Just watch and learn how to be the master of Facebook, except not, because that's Zuckerberg!"


	2. Alternate Universe Ferncloud

If Warriors Had Facebook 2:

 **I DON'T OWN FACEBOOK, WARRIORS, GHOST RECON OR OMO. I ALSO DON'T OWN THE LOG DISPLAY DOWNSTAIRS, IT'S BLACKCLAW'S. I DO OWN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE FERNCLOUD.**

Hollyleaf was addicted to Facebook. If you read the previous chapter, you can see how far it goes. Now back to her, two days later (in type/gaming mode).

Hollyleaf: VIRTUAL COOKIES FOR EVERYONE WHO PLAYS FARMVILLE!

Bluestar: Hollyleaf, what the hell. That's rubbish.

Hollyleaf: Thank you. I'm anorexic, I don't want the cookies, take them. *throws cookies everywhere* (::) (::)

Ferncloud: OMGWHEREISASHFURHESNOTATHOMELIKEHESHOULDBEANY1KNOWIHATECOOKIEZ?

Hollyleaf: Look at my profile. I posted some pictures of Ashfur's… uh… ADVENTURES… two days ago. Brambleclaw and I are doing the duck face. Enjoy. That'll teach you a lesson for stealing my ROUTER, sucker. {evil face}

Ferncloud: *looks at profile for a minute* I'll get back to you, Hollyleaf. *leads army (not) to the SquirrelBramble household*

Explosions echo through the forest, where Hollyleaf's fake parents live. Hollyleaf gets off the computer, still leaving Jayfeather and Molekit suspended in mid-air. Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight are preparing the fireballs while the middle fake son jumps around, absorbing the enemy's ammunition like a Griever.

"FACEBOOK WAR INSIDE THE THINGO AND OUT IN THE REAL WORLD!" shouts Lionblaze, stumbling from all the weight of the bullets. "BUT I'M INVICIBLE!"

He falls into a pool and is sucked into the garbage abyss again. Muffled sounds can be heard from the pool as Lionblaze tries to break free of the whirlpool. "Help!" he wails, but his voice gargles bubble-speak.

But no one comes to help because no one likes him.

{Back to Facebook Hollyleaf goes}

Hollyleaf: FERNCLOUD! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

Ferncloud: I had an appointment with my brother, Dr Ashfur, this afternoon. He already has the money. I just got ripped off!

Hollyleaf: Shouldn't you just go after his dead body on a quest or something to get the money back?

Ferncloud: NAH. I'll just ask Firestar to send some idiots on a patrol or whatevs.

Hollyleaf: I thought you were gentle.

Ferncloud *sighs* why does everyone think that about me?

Hollyleaf: You so are man.

Thornclaw: Yep.

Bluestar: Uh huh.

Brokenstar: Hi.

Yellowfang: Get out of here, Brokenstar.

Breezepelt: Lord Voldemort, I have a proposition for you. Oh wait damn, this isn't the right page. How'd I get here?

Onestar: TREACHERY! WHERE'S SNAPE?!

As Molekit and Jayfeather float, Jayfeather feels like joining the conversation. But it's just an impulse, isn't it?

*Jayfeather grabs his laptop and joins the conversation*

Jayfeather: Oi, oi, oi. How did the conversation get here?

Hollyleaf: Idk. Solve it nerd.

In the real world, Hollyleaf hands Jayfeather a piece of paper. "Solve it for reals, bruh!" she snaps.

Jayfeather tears up the paper and shoves it down Molekit's throat. Molekit gags and falls to the ground. "I'm free!" he manages between his choking.

He trots off, away from the study and to the lounge room, where Cherrykit is playing Ghost Recon, and collapses. "I shot Molekit! Yeah!" squeals Cherrykit, and she begins to kick him.

Hollyleaf and Jayfeather peek out from the study. They lock eyes. The eyes aren't filled with concern though. They just want to see what's happening on Facebook. They nod and return to the conversation.

(back to Facebook)

Jayfeather: FERNCLOUD, JUST GIVE THE FLIPPING ROUTER BACK TO HOLLYLEAF AND ASK FIRESTAR TO FIND YOUR HIDEOUS BROTHER!

Ferncloud: *reaches through computer portal, grabs Jayfeather's neck and drags him to her*

Jayfeather: Wut. BRAMBLECLAW, SQUIRRELFLIGHT, HELP! *no reply* MUMMY!

Poppyfrost: Lol, cool. A conversation with everyone. I love these. Just letting you guys know, I'm pregnant!

Lilykit and Seedkit: How do you get pregnant?

Poppyfrost: You'll find out someday.

Lilykit and Seedkit: WE WANNA DO IT NOW!

Ferncloud: Okay, kids. It's all to do with the birds and bees.

Lilykit and Seedkit: Oh, okay *escape Sorreltail's house and look for a beehive and a bird*

Poppyfrost: Honestly? Mum's gonna kill me.

Ferncloud: I want you to die.

In the non-virtual world, Ferncloud cackles evilly, still holding Jayfeather by the scruff, thinking about the stupid kits, her seat spinning around to face a black cat. "Are you my father?"

"No, your father was white man," snaps the cat. "What are you doing in my house? I thought you were that hobo who lives in that log display downstairs."

"Erm, no, I'm just gon- TRANQUILISER!" Ferncloud screams, shooting the cat with sleeping medication.

"Ferncloud… I… was your… father…" he gasps, falling into an eternal sleep.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FATHER!" wails Ferncloud.

She mourns his eternal sleep for two seconds before stuffing Jayfeather in his old box prison and returning to the black cat's computer. "I didn't even know you man."

(back to Facebook)

Ferncloud: MY ARMY IS ASKING BRAMBLECLAW AND SQUIRRELFLIGHT TO SURRENDER. GO DOWNSTAIRS AND ASK THEM IF THEY WILL, PLEASE.

Hollyleaf: Sure.

Hollyleaf trots into the lounge room, ignoring the sickening sounds Molekit is making. She decides to use her Facebook on her phone to send Poppyfrost a message.

Hollyleaf: Your kits are invading my house and beating each other up. Come get them? Also, can you show me the tip with using OMO, my prom dress got torn up by sharks and wafers.

Poppyfrost: I'll pick them up in five, I've already posted a video of the thing on my profile. Now all I need to do is tell off Ferncloud *rings Ferncloud* sorry gotta go bye.

Hollyleaf turns off her phone, stumbles downstairs like she is drunk and opens the glass sliding door, accessing the front yard. Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw are hiding behind the titanium fence, waving a red flag.

"You idiots, you're enticing the enemy! WAVE A WHITE FLAG!"

"Oh," says Brambleclaw, ripping off his white collar shirt.

Squirrelflight and Hollyleaf sigh. "He's just like so hot." Squirrelflight turns around. "HE IS YOUR FATHER, HOLLYLEAF."

"FAKE FATHER, I STILL HAVE A CHANCE!"

"Get out."

Hollyleaf hisses at Squirrelflight and looks over the fence. Twenty-nine cats are shooting ammunition and are slowly making progress because Lionblaze is currently in the garbage abyss. Hollyleaf looks closer at the cats and realises that one cat is Leafpool, her real mother, and another is Crowfeather..

"YOU'VE BEEN HOLDING OUR KIDS HOSTAGE FOR THE PAST SIXTEEN YEARS!" shrieks Leafpool.

"Yeah, this is a hostage situation," whispers Brambleclaw. "For no reason whatsoever."

Hollyleaf sighs and, ignoring Leafpool's pleas, walks back inside the mansion and gets on her computer.

Hollyleaf: I've apparently been held hostage by my fake parents for sixteen years. I feel so wanted.

Bluestar: Like.

Thornclaw: Like.

Breezepelt: Could you set me up on a blind date with Bellatrix Lestrange? I know that sounds weird because she's married, but pls pl pls!

Ferncloud: Breezepelt. I… was… your father.

Breezepelt: My father is Crowfeather, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

(Meanwhile, in an abandoned shed in the mountains)

Ferncloud awakens. "How did I get here? I vaguely remember someone who looked like me shooting me with a mild moose tranq-MOO."

She shuffles around in the dark area, feeling the walls. She speaks into her watch "This is agent Ferncloud. I'm in a strange territory, possible hostiles outside. I request immediate back-up."

The undercover police-officer who actually is the real Ferncloud continued looking for apossible opening. She felt a slight bump. A door. With a padlock on its handle. She pulled a hair pin out from behind her ear, silver hair falling onto her shoulders, and picked at the lock. A few minutes later, the door busted open, a cat pelting off down the mountainside.

"AHHHHH!" she screamed. "BROKENSTAR FIGURINES AHHHHH!"

As she ran down the mountain, a snowboarder crawled out of a nearby cave and began to chase her. It was a robot Brokenstar.

"SHOOT!" screamed Ferncloud.

She tripped over, tumbling down the mountain. She was rolled into a snowball, going faster and faster down, until she hit a tree. She tried to flop down the mountain once more, but a cliff was in front of her. She was trapped by the cliff and the Brokenstar robot. She was terrified.

All she could moan was: "Curse you, alternate universe me!"

She fainted.

(back to Facebook and Hollyleaf)

Bluestar: Ferncloud's been acting so weird lately.

Thornclaw: Ya think?

Bluestar: One moon's worth of caring for the elders.

Thornclaw: But you're not even alive!

Bluestar: I will kill Blossomfall.

Blossomfall: What?

Thornclaw: NOOOO! I'LL DO IT!

Hollyleaf: I love your skills Bluestar, gotta teach me someday.

Bluestar: Fine, but the three of you have to find out what Ferncloud is doing.

Ferncloud: Bluestar, I can see what you're saying. You leave a digital footprint. Also everyone can see what you say, your account's not private at the mo.

Bluestar: Damn it.

Thornclaw: YAY I'M INCLUDED FOR ONCE.

Bluestar: Not you, the Three. At least I think they are. Except that you need to find Jayfeather, Ferncloud's kidnapped him.

Jayfeather: *throws tantrum* back to the box prison for Jay.

Half Moon: MINI BOX PRISON, I WILL FIND YOU!

She breaks out of StarClan prison and flies towards Blackclaw's house.

Bluestar: Calling all security, we have a security breach at StarClan jail. Half Moon, convicted for being Tigerstar's helper in the murder of Willowshine, has escaped.

Half Moon: Deal with it. *kncoks Bluestar down*

Bluestar: YOU HAVE YOUR MISSION, HOLLYLEAF! FIND JAYFEATHER, FIND BOTH FERNCLOUDS, GET LIONBLAZE OUT OF THE GARBAGE ABYSS AND STOP BEING HELD FAKE HOSTAGE BY YOUR FAKE PARENTS *faints*

Hollyleaf: Why is it always me *Poppyfrost picks up her kits* *closes computer.

"Let's do this, man," she says to her Happy Feet 2 Eric doll thing that Molekit left behind.


	3. The T&D&T show and Hyperspace

**HELLO! SORRY IF THIS TOOK A LITTLE LONGER THAN USAL, LONGER CHAPTER. WHAT I OWN:**

 **I OWN ROBOT BROKENSTAR, THE PORTAL, THE GARBAGE ABYSSES, THE WARRIORS-THE NEW PROPHECY TRAILER, HYPERSPACE, THE T &D&T SHOW, THE DUNGEON, THE CASTLE, THE SEVENTY INCH TV AND THE GIANT CHASM.**

Real Ferncloud woke up in a dungeon. She looked around, taking in the grimy walls, the bones, the Brokenstar figurines, the-

"OH MAH GAWD BROKENSTAR! AHHHHH!" screamed Ferncloud, rushing at the walls and trying to break them down with her head.

She yelled as pain shot through her head and banged her fists against the wall. Then they started hurting and she wailed in agony. "HELP! BROKENSTAR'S EVERYWHERE!"

All of a sudden, the dungeon flickered with light and Ferncloud became less agitated. Then a robot Brokenstar walked in. "Hello and welcome to Brokenstar's T&D&T Show! I hope you've all had a terrible week, because for all you Dark Forest goons out there, it's gonna get awesome!"

The dungeon walls lowered and seat were pushed up in their places. On the seats there were reservations for Tigerstar, Mapleshade, Breezepelt and a bunch of other cats real Ferncloud didn't know.

"What's happening?" she whispered, closing her eyes so she couldn't see Brokenstar temporarily spazz out.

"This is a secret channel for the manly warriors of the Dark Forest-"

"Hey, I'm a woman!" snapped Mapleshade, walking out of a small tunnel. "So sexist!"

"Sorry, Mapo," he creaked, then turned back to Ferncloud. "Okay back to explaining. Every week my master, real Brokenstar, asks me to kidnap someone from StarClan and make them do truth, dare or torture. This week's candidate is… YOU!"

Real Ferncloud almost fainted. But she didn't because she lowered her face to her watch. Except the watch wasn't there.

"Yeah, sorry about that. Real Brokenstar's on a tight contract, can't risk being discovered. And I'm just a minion, there are so many of me, so tough luck you found the one that tortures good guys. Let's begin!" squealed robot Brokenstar.

Two Dark Forest warriors walked out of the tunnels, followed by a torrent of the evil cats. They all found their seats and sat down, cheering.

"Okay, we have our suggestors and spectators, time for ROUND ONE!" shouted robot Brokenstar. "Now, TIE UP THE CANDIDATE!"

Real Ferncloud squealed as she was handcuffed to a wooden plank that had risen out of the ground. "COLOSSEUM!" she murmured. "Now, if I'm right, these cuffs are made of weak, sedimentary-rock-like concrete, so if I scrape, they'll break eventually, but it's gonna take a while."

She began scraping when robot Brokenstar turned to the audience to ask for quiet.

"Okay guys, here we go!" he meowed, turning to face Ferncloud again. "Ferncloud, truth, dare or torture? We can do double dares by the way, we'll just bring in a kit or something."

Ferncloud shut her eyes and began thinking about the best option for her. "Truth," she mewed.

"OKAY, TORTURE IT IS! WHO WANTS TO SUGGEST SOMETHING?"

"BUT I JUST SAID TRUTH!"

"THERE IS ONLY DARE AND TORTURE HERE!" screamed robot Brokenstar.

"THEN WHY PUT TRUTH INTO THE TITLE AND OPTIONS FOR THE CANDIDATE?!"

Robot Brokenstar looked at her, considering, then muttered to a lighting amateur who had no idea what RB was talking about. "Put on an ad and fix the title. Take the first T out of it. Go get some coffee, you look terrible."

Twenty awkward, boring minutes later, an ad was put up Dark-Forest-wide for Extra chewing gum.

"You're making me hungry," murmured Ferncloud.

"Oh, am I? Sorry," whispered robot Brokenstar.

When the ad ended, a cat jumped up and down, shouting, "TORTURE HER! SHOW HER FOOD CLIPS!"

"OKAY! LET'S DO THIS!"

A seventy inch TV was lowered into the wall-less dungeon. Brokenstar turned it on and a video of hamburgers falling and hitting the ground was shown. Ferncloud's stomach was grumbling. "GIMME THOSE HAMBURGERS!" she squealed, struggling to scrape free, her claws working furiously against the weak concrete.

"Guys, this is not exactly a well-known torture, but it was in the Starving Games. That was a hilarious movie, so let's watch and end Round One torture!"

The cats cheered, and robot Brokenstar held up his paws, embracing the love.

The Starving Games (yes, real movie, look it up if you don't believe) began to play. Ferncloud laughed uncertainly along with everyone, not sure if they were going to kill her. But it was giving her time. Another hour later, she was almost free.

She was getting frustrated, and all of a sudden, her claws hit metal. She looked sideways at the cuffs and realised that she had scraped through the concrete, but there was a thin layer of titanium still binding her to the wood.

"DAMMIT!" she shouted, while robot Brokenstar and his crew did Gangnam style.

"HO, HO HO HO HO WALK NAM GANGNAM STYLE!" he sang. "YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED. THIS WAS A TEST ALL ALONG, TO SEE YOU TRY BREAK OUT AND FAIL. SO LONG SUCKER!"

He pulled a lever, opening up a chasm for Ferncloud. But all of a sudden, a shining purple portal erupted. Black paws reached at Ferncloud, pulling her away. Ferncloud disappeared.

"Aww, we were just gonna take her to Vanuatu for payment!" moaned robot Brokenstar. "It was her DREAM!"

"HOLLYLEAF! VANUATU!" yowled Ferncloud, as she was sucked through hyperspace.

Everything was blurry and wavy. Spicy colours floated around Ferncloud, making her spazz out. Hollyleaf floated mysteriously. "Come child. See that sign over there? It says GTFO, so get the flip out of here with moi!"

"But-" stammered real Ferncloud.

"No buts," mewed Hollyleaf.

"Bu-"

"NO!"

"Bu-"

"NO FERNCLOUD!"

Ferncloud pouted, then flicked her silver hair. It got tangled into Hollyleaf's black hair and they both tugged furiously, their paws smacking each other like kits.

"WAAAAAAAAARRRRRRIIIIIO!" shouted Ferncloud. "MY WATCH! IT'S GONE!"

"We can just get a secret agent watch for $20 or something down at Walmart."

"BROKENSTARS EVERYWHERE!"

"Yesh, tonnes of robot Brokenstar debris everywhere."

Hollyleaf looked around, as though travelling through space and time was a normal thing. "Btw, we need to get Jayfeather out of his box. No one really cares about your problems at the mo. Oh and there's an Alternate Universe Ferncloud. You are holding JayJay hostage."

"Oh no! Should we hide in the log display at Blackclaw's house? I know that's where I was last. Watching Pretty Little Liars."

"But you're supposed to be sweet, innocent and loving, not a freak when it comes to TV shows."

"Everyone has a dark side, even me. The worst thing I ever did was forget to wash my cute little anime paws!"

Hollyleaf ignored her and concentrated on the black hole they were floating towards.

"GUTFO, Hollyleaf!"

Hollyleaf screamed, then sighed. "No… It's just Lionblaze. He's fallen into the garbage abyss again. Here he is."

A golden-furred tom floated past them, screaming, "CLARK RUBEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Lionblaze, you are not a duck!" screamed Hollyleaf, kicking him in ze head and then grabbing him. "This is the one time I'll get you out of the garbage abyss. ONE TIME, LIONBLAZE, ONE. TIME!"

Lionblaze ignored her and mewed, "Where's Cindereart? We were planning to make out here, made plans and everything!"

"I don't think Cinderheart has a garbage abyss, and besides, she'd be cheating on Firestar, who cheats anyways!"

Lionblaze began to cry, his holey apron and Jimmy Choo thongs disappearing as his acid tears dripped onto them. "Lionblaze! What the hell?!" shouted Hollyleaf, smacking him through the garbage abyss hole.

To anyone who was in the BrambleSquirrel household's kitchen at that moment would have seen a ball of fire shoot through the roof.

"You next, Ferncloud."

She shoved Ferncloud through a second garbage abyss that she opened with a simple press of a button. "ASHFUR I WILL SAVE YOU ONLINE, ONCE I GO TO VANUATU!" screamed Ferncloud, as she flew through the hole and laded gently in her room, silver hair all over the place, where Evil Alternate Universe Ferncloud flowed into

 _So graceful._

Now Hollyleaf was stuck in the garbage abyss, but she just pressed a button and teleported straight into her room. Leafpool and her army were still shooting outside. They showed no mercy, firing at anything that moved. Bu then Lionblaze plummeted back to earth, and absorbed their ammunition.

"Lionblaze, why did you fall into the garbage abyss? We needed you to keep you hostage!" shouted Squirrelflight.

For no reason whatsoever, a screen descended from the sky. "StarClan," muttered Brambleclaw.

"They've caught up to me."

"ARE YOU ON THE RUN, BRAMBLECLAW?!"

"No, it's just th-"

The TV turned on, and an ad for "Warriors-The New Prophecy" played:

 **"** **The warriors have a peaceful life in the forest, apart from leaf-fall and leaf-bare, but what happens when a new terror gains control over the forest, destroying everything?!"**

 **A picture of Brambleclaw shows up, saying, "I had a dream. You had a dream. We need to go on a journey to save our Clans."**

 **A ginger kitten looks up at him, saying, "I hate you!"**

 **A black cat, and golden she-cat, a silver she-cat and a dark grey tabby look at Brambleclaw and say exactly the same thing.**

 **In the next scene, the cats are on a journey, arguing and eating salt from salt shakers. "We have salt-shaker signs. They tell us the way. We can do this! We'll get the message at midnight. The prophecy will be fulfilled!" growls Brambleclaw, before giggling and knocking the ginger cat into a fence.**

 **"** **What they will find, nobody knows… They danger they face is evil, and not everyone is going to survive."**

 **A picture of a few ThunderClan cats screaming before being crushed by a monster shows up. Then laughing effects turn on. Then another scene dictates the sun-drown place and a gaping cave and water washing over the camera ends the scene.**

 **Then a badger appears, saying, "I Midnight. GTFO!"**

 **The scene changes.**

 **"** **What message will they get? What will become of the Clans? Will the ginger cat be named? Who cares?"**

 **"** **Starring Taylor Lautner as Brambleclaw as Brambleclaw, a fox cub as Squirrelpaw, Crowpaw, Stormfur, Feathertail and Tawnypelt as themselves, and John Hurt as the voice of Midnight the badger."**

 **The scene changes again, and the title, "Warriors-The New Prophecy", shows up.**

 **Then the screen goes black and Feathertail gets ripped apart by a lion.**

"OH MY GAWD!" shouts Hollyleaf. "YAY! THE SECOND WARRIORS MOVIE IS COMING OUT!"

"BRAMBLECLAW, YOU'RE TAYLOR LAUTNER?" screams Squirrelflight.

Brambleclaw rips off another shirt, his abs rippling. "You called?"

"OMG! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!" Squirrelflight jumps on Taylor and kisses him.

Taylor grins at Hollyleaf. "Call me," he mouthed.

Hollyleaf's lips twitched thoughtfully, then snarled at him, "Ah, scumbag!"

Brambleclaw/Taylor grinned. Hollyleaf called to ze Lionblaze to knock out her real parents. Then she took a photo of Taylorclaw, crawled through the glass door, passed a suspicious character dressed in black, climbed the stairs and entered the study. Jayfeather's absence was noted by Hazeltail, the new "guardian of the study". Hazeltail was a hippy.

"Peace, man," she mumbled, as Hollyleaf ordered her to jump out of the window.

She opened a Japanese window and leapt to "safety". All of a sudden, screams and splashing could be heard. Hollyleaf ignored it and logged onto her computer.

Hollyleaf: BLUESTAR I FAILED YOU! I DIDN'T RESCUE JAYFEATHER!

Bluestar: Hollyleaf, I knew you would fail. No one likes your brother.

Hollyleaf: Really? Thank you!

Bluestar: I put Half Moon on the case to shorten her sentence.

Tigerstar: My beautiful accomplice, charming. We're talking about Piper McLean, aren't we?

Daughter of Mapleshade.

Thornclaw: What.

Blossomfall: OMGFERNCLOUDANDPOPPYFROSTANDSORRELTAILIMPREGNANTPLSHELPMETHORNCLAWDOESNTKNOW!

Thornclaw: Ze Thornclaw knows now.

Bluestar: This is a private conversation. GTFO and talk about your pregnancy and experience somewhere else.

No messages are sent for the next five minutes.

Bluestar: Okay, they're gone, thank God!

Hollyleaf: So Half Moon is getting Jayfeather?

Bluestar: Well, actually, she thinks she's getting his box prison, but hey win-win. You get your bro and she gets a box. Totally fair.

Hollyleaf: Cool beans.

Hollyleaf posts a picture of Brambleclaw/Taylor Lautner ripping off a shirt.

Bluestar: You saw the trailer for the new warriors' movie and realised Brambleclaw was Taylor, didn't you?

Hollyleaf: {heart eye emoji} so sexy!

Bluestar: I told Spottedleaf not to. Ze cheating Firestar will go ballistic. Oh damn.

Hollyleaf: I'm going to watch BatDad vines, bye. While Half Moon is getting pulverised by Evil Alternate Universe Ferncloud, I'll be going to SWEET HOME ALABAMA. BYE!

Hollyleaf shuts down her computer and throws it at Cherrykit, her new secretary. Cherrykit looks around innocently as Hollyleaf walks through the Japanese door. Then she carelessly tosses the computer out the window. It lands on Hazeltail, who is struggling in the water, saving it from being waterlogged. Lionblaze grabs Hazeltail, rips off his new apron and says, "You be my hook-up?"

Hazeltail nods, batting her eyelashes and Cinderheart, who just happened to be walking past.

"Nuuu!" screams Cinderheart, ripping off Hazeltail's fake eyelashes and imprisoning her in ze chocolate factory surrounded by mines.

"Save me the Lionblaze!" screeches Hazeltail, but ze Lionblaze is back with ze Cinderheart, not noticing that the girl he dated for three and a half seconds is going to starve surrouned by chocolate. "I'M ANOREXIC, EVIL IS EVERYWHERE!" sobs Hazeltail, sinking to the ground with Hollyleaf's computer, typing to hack her Facebook page.

Hollyleaf peaks into the study, wondering why the hell she can't feel her computer's presence. Cherrykit turns around, grinning safely.

The black- she-cat automatically says, "It was Hazeltail. NO!

Hollyleaf steps on Cherrykit and leaps out of ze window. "I WILL FIND YOU!"


	4. Hostage Situations

**This chapter will contain Jayfeather's rescue mission and Hazeltail's! Enjoy, it was only slightly delayed, just my education and homework at stake!**

 **I DON'T OWN SAMSUNG OR FERNCLOUD'S HOUSE. IT BELONGS TO HER. I own the ShadowClan Park and the Dustpeltfaces and the box prison and some other stuff I can't be bothered to mention it all.**

{Jayfeather and Half Moon's Adventure}

"Half Moon, you're a criminal and we aren't expecting to release you until you die, but under certain obligations that must be met with the cat we're secretly manipulating, we'll have to shorten your sentence," explained Bluestar through her walkie-talkie.

"B-But BLUESTAR! Evil Alternate Universe Ferncloud is gone! There's nothing to stop me breaking in and getting my box prison, so why bother using me?" growled Half Moon, wishing she could kill someone.

"Because the clueless Ferncloud doesn't know that EAUF booby trapped her house. The booby traps activate and destroy anyone but Ferncloud, because they read DNA. Ferncloud has the same DNA as EAUF."

"But why not just ask her to deactivate everything?"

"SHE'S AN IDIOT! SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW SHE'S HOLDING A HOSTAGE! WE NEED TO RESCUE JAYFEATHER SO JAYFEATHER CAN TALK SOME SENSE INTO HOLLYLEAF AND RESCUE HAZELTAIL AND EVERYONE WILL HAPPY!"

"Oh. Right. Pies, I'll do it."

"Okay. If you succeed, we'll shorten your sentence by 3.68 seconds."

Half Moon hesitated over the receiver, stabbing a lion, then meowed, "COOL!"

"Excellent," growled Bluestar, trying to hold back her laughter.

Half Moon also happened to be an idiot. If she succeeded, she'd still be one. And be out of prison 3.68 seconds before she died.

"Well, we'll just run a few psychological and physical tests to make sure you're fit for this hostage situation."

Blood trickled from the lion's wounds, the sound unnaturally loud on Bluestar's walkie-talkie. The grey she-cat paused, asking, "Half Moon, what's that?"

"Oh.. Umm… It's just… I'm wasting 3 gallons of water."

"Cool beans, hun." Bluestar turned off her walkie talkie.

Half Moon continued stabbing at the lion, relishing its moans of pain, before grinning as Bluestar turned around. She had been sitting outside the cell the whole time. "All right, it's time to test your Banana Fever to see if it's numbed."

Bluestar clicked a button and diamond cuffs appeared. "You're too cunning. You could break ze titanium ones I had. You wouldn't want to break diamonds, zey so bootiful!"

Half Moon panted. She really wanted to gently strangle Bluestar, but Bluestar had a diamond, and it could ruin hers. She decided against it and went with her captor. The blueish she-cat dragged her by the ear to a white room, where she shoved Half Moon inside. A dead cat was waiting there. It was Dr Ashfur.

"Dr Ashfur, so nice to see you, dude!" meowed Bluestar. "We've just got a slight casualty, what with Willowshine's murderer sitting right in front of you."

"Ah, I see, we'll just show her some pictures and see what happens. Then we'll test for ze fever."

"Banana fever has been running high for the past few years, causing many murders. I think it's best to check that first, Dr," mewed Bluestar, beckoning for him to begin.

"Half Moon, these tests are gonna take five hours, don't care if you get bored."

Five hours later, the data had been collected. "We'll have to analyse this. Answer will be back in five minutes."

Five minutes later, the results were back, and dead Dr Ashfur looked very pleased. "Half Moon, you've been cleared of Banana Fever, and no-one cares if you're a psychopath, so you can go ahead with the mission, Bluestar," he said, nodding to her to shoot Half Moon with moose tranquiliser.

Bluestar fired, and her prisoner fell to the sterile floor, mooing. The warden grabbed her walkie-talkie, turned it on, and yelled, "SHE'S BEEN CLEARED! LET'S MOVE IN TO SAVE JAYFEATHER THE GODLY HOSTAGE!"

Half Moon was foaming at the mouth, but she looked blissful. Bluestar called for back-up, and five cats-Lionheart, Redtail, Heavystep, Sunstrike and Cedarheart-appeared out of unicorn horns, grabbing Half Moon and stuffing her in the boot of a moped. The five cats knew that Jayfeather was a vital part of nothing, so it was essential to rescue him. They reflected on this, driving their mopeds, Sunstrike's carrying the psycho, in clear view of civilians, where the "Tigerstar accomplice" could easily accidentally recover and kill someone.

They drove through a glowing hole-portal-and reappeared on the street where Ferncloud-and Hollyleaf-lived. They mopeded down the street, eyeing the perfect pathways, the clean roads, the decent housing.

They came to stop by number 25, the hostage location, and unloaded ze Half Moon. The weirdo had stopped foaming at the mouth and mooing; she was recovering quickly. They dumped her body in some bushes, high-fiving and throwing eggs at her. Sunstrike stole her accomplices' mopeds. They screamed in protest, and ran towards her as she fled. The screeching roused Ferncloud, who was speaking with her husband, Dustpelt. "WHAT IS THAT RACKET?"

"It's just some delinquents trashing our yard, I'll fix it later," soothed Dustpelt.

Ferncloud relaxed her cute little anime paws, then leaped out of her seat and ran desperately to the front yard. She opened the door to find eggs everywhere in the yard she had pruned for two hours the day before. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FAAAAAAAAAATHEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!" she screamed, running out to her petunias and her Dustpeltfaces and cradling them in her arms.

While she mourned her stupid flowers, Half Moon somehow snapped out of her trance and stumbled inside the house. All of a sudden, there was an explosion, and Dustpelt was blown out of the living room and into the yard with his wife, sobbing over the Dustpeltfaces. Half Moon uselessly proceeded into the house. Immediately her diamond handcuffs disappeared, but she took no notice and continued exploring, trying to find her box prison. Then the sound of electric shocks from outside signalled that Dustpelt was being electrocuted by the invisible wires in the garden that Half Moon had sensed and avoided.

As Half Moon walked around dizzily in the modern hallway, she detected a little laser bouncing off the walls. She wanted to throw something in it so bad, but she needed the box! There was a button behind the hallway lasers. Half Moon made a quick decision, doing a crazy dance through the lasers. She managed to avoid touching it and pressed the sparkly purple button that said 'Nu! Foiled again!'. The fluoro red lights deactivated forever, and Half Moon walked on casually through the household, climbing up the oak wood stairs that lead to the FernDust bedroom, the second living room, the kids' rooms and the study.

She walked along the narrow corridor, passing the sleeping Icekit and winging Foxkit in their cribs, Spiderleg playing on his Samsung Galaxy Tab, Shrewpaw watching _Cars_ , and Birchfall playing Grand Theft Auto. Her little anime shoes silently touched the ground as she creeped around. She noticed a few land mines here and there, and deactivated them. The thought of having her very own box prison helped her refrain from torturing the boys and taking the girl hostage and then shaving off her white fur and then blowing the house sky-high.

Finally, after treading forever, she made it to the study, where yellow walls reflected Ferncloud's bright personality. Half Moon gagged at the walls. Cherries decorated the bookshelves, and piles of documents for Dustpelt's business, Dustpeltfaceseverywhere TM, were packed neatly in corner. The pale she-cat eased her way around some of Icekit's toys on the floor, settling herself down comfortably in the seat. She relaxed for a few minutes, relishing Dustpelt as he continued to scream, electrified.

Half Moon stopped enjoying Dustpelt's torture and looked around for the box prison. She was tired of waiting. Then she saw it.

 _BOOM._

She launched herself excitedly at the box, passing Flametail, who was stuck in ze bookcase, and ripping open the box to stuff herself inside. Instead, a grey tabby tom groggily rose up from the box. Half Moon stopped and stared at this godlike creature, savouring his presence. He slipped out of the box prison and mewed, "Wow! Thanks for rescuing me, mate, been cooped up in there for two days! Haven't seen you around before. May I ask your name?"

"HHHHIIIIIIIIIIIII!" panted his rescuer. "I'm HAAAAAAAALF MOOOOOOOOOOOOOON."

The tom glared at her, before screaming, "IT'S THE TIGERSTAR ACCOMPLICE! OH GOLLY! GOLLY GOLLY GOLLY GOSH, HELP!"

Half Moon looked away hurt, and Jayfeather noticed. "Are you just trying to pretend that you're upset so you can kill me?"

"No!" snapped Half Moon, like a normal cat.

All of a sudden, she realised she wasn't a psycho anymore. Her sudden infatuation had cured her!

She looked shyly at Jayfeather. "I'm not crazy anymore. You saved me."

"And you saved me."

"Hey, I read the newspaper in prison. There's a rock appreciation concert at ShadowClan Park next Friday night. Want to come with me?"

"Sure…" meowed Jayfeather, but immediately he sped past Half Moon, screeching in terror. "TIGERSTAR ACCOMPLICE! TIGERSTAR ACCOMPLICE! SHE'S SO CUNNING AND EVIL!"

Half Moon looked after him, sighing. All the cute nerdy toms hated her…

Jayfeather ran outside, bumped into the suffering Dustpelt, knocked him away from the wires, got out ze JAYPhonE and called 212. "BLUESTAR! THE TIGERSTAR ACCOMPLICE IS IN THE FERNDUST HOUSEHOLD! HELP ME PLE-GOLY SHE'S COMING!"

Half Moon trotted out into the open, snapping, "I'M NOT CRAZY!"

But Jayfeather wouldn't listen, and hung up on Bluestar for effect. Sunstrike and her team arrived on the regained mopeds and arrested Half Moon. They had been at the pub and had been close enough to answer the urgent message. Half Moon was arrested and, once again, shot with a moose tranquiliser, and bundled into Sunstrike's moped.

"YEEHAW!" shouted the WindClan she-cat taking off with Half Moon, back to jail.

Fortunately, they had made the decision to let her have her box prison. But since Half Moon was no longer crazy, it didn't matter anymore. Jayfeather looked at Half Moon in the back of the departing mopeds, and realised she really wasn't crazy anymore. He closed his eyes ashamed with himself. "I'll visit you in prison, my weird one."

Jayfeather avoided being interrogated by the _River Daily_ and secretly returned home, where the teenager flopped onto his bed in the SquirrelBramble/Taylor household, which also happened to be the place where he had been held hostage for sixteen years, so technically there was no point in being rescued from the box. A pile of stale cookies was on his desk, but he ate them anyway. He enjoyed the peace and quiet, away from the cat he might have a crush on, away from his idiot brother, annoying social media sister and his fake/real parents, who were STILL fighting in the backyard.

Jayfeather only had twelve and a half minutes of relaxation before Hollyleaf barged into his room dramatically and jumped on his mini trampoline, screaming, "HAZELTAIL HAS MY COMPUTER!"

"Well, go and take it from her!" snapped Jayfeather, pushing her off his trampoline. "And leave me alone!"

"I NEED YOU, JAYJAYTASERGUN! TALK SOME SENSE INTO HER WHILE SHE'S IMPRISONED IN ZE CASTLE!"

"Wait, you captured her and put her in my chocolate castle?!"

"Yeah."

"Phew, at least Hazeltail is anorexic! And I'll go and talk some 'sense' into her."

He jumped off his blue bed, rolled downstairs and come towards his mini chocolate castle. Hazeltail was up on the top floor, typing stuff.

"SHE'S RUINING MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT TO DESTROY MY CHANCES WITH BRAMBLECLAW OR MOUSEWHISKER!"

"Hazeltail!" shouted Jayfeather. "Stop! I'll release you if you stop typing!"

Silence followed.

"Okay, Hazeltail, I'm pressing the button, you'd better run around crazily!"

A patter of paws told them that Hazeltail was running like a mad lady. He pressed his green button and the castle disappeared. Hazeltail was visible, running through the air. She flew over the SquirrelBramble household's roof and landed in the backyard pool, right on top of Cinderheart and Lionblaze, who were yelling happily at each other.

"AHHHH!" she screamed, getting off them and stumbling into the pool. She resurfaced a moment later, purring. "THAT WAS RUBBISH! I HATE CHOCOLATE! HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR NEW PROFILE, HOLYLEAF."

The grey and white she-cat clapped her cute little anime paws. Then Lionblaze and Cinderheart loomed over her. "No one touches Hollyleaf's Facebook, Hazeltail. At least no-one's tried. She'd literally kill you."

And that was when Hollyleaf, in a red haze of fury, pressed the lilac button on Jayfeather's phone. Hazeltail was immediately sucked into the garbage abyss beneath the pool. She then pressed it again, and her offender was spat out of the large pool, flying towards ShadowClan Park.

Everyone laughed, then realised that that's what you do in cheesy kids' cartoons and stopped. Hollyleaf instead whacked some random mouse in the head and offered it to a llama, who immediately spat in her face.


	5. Medieval Destruction

Banana Fever is a disease that causes you to act the opposite of what you are.

Sorry it took a while to post, I got lazy/ needed to do homework, but mainly lazy, yeah… I hope you enjoy this J Also I am running out of ideas and love, if you could leave a friendly review or give me an idea the same way, that would be appreciated! FEELING SOME NEGATIVITY, MATIES!

A ginger she-cat paced worriedly around a large table, the candles on the walls gave the room a dark, menacing feel.

"Lord Brambleclaw, witch Leafpool is still using her army. Our titanium walls are holding them back, but not for much longer. General Lionblaze is in a coma, and we have no other troops. I suggest training the medieval townspeople," growled Lady Squirrelflight, scratching out a battle plan with a feather she had plucked from a chicken. "This noble feather will show us the way."

A piece of paper with tears is lying on the oak table in the BrambleSquirrel household's basement. Squirrelflight is deep in thought, scratching whatever comes to mind. Swear words, squares and Taylor Lautners were the result of Squirrelflight's artistic battle plan.

Brambleclaw was bouncing around the room, ruining the evil feeling. "GET ZE CUPCAKE ARMY, YOU DOLT!"

"Not the cupcakes, Lord Brambleclaw! Not the cupcakes!" Lady Squrrelflight protested angrily, banging her fist down on the dark table.

"YES, ZE CUPCAKES! FEEL ZE RHTHYM OF ZEIR POWA!"

Lord Brambleclaw began to throw cupcakes everywhere. Red velvet, chocolate, mint, strawberry, you name ze cupcake, it was being thrown at Lady Squirrelflight.

"Lord Brambleclaw, cease these shenanigans at once," she shouted, using her Imperial Gold sword to fight her way through the wave of cupcakes.

Lord Brambleclaw laughed like a maniac, stopped throwing cupcakes and instead leaped onto the table, singing the lyrics for "Fever", by Cascada, although he changed it to feel fabu about himself.

 _I am not a beauty queen,_

 _Driving in a limousine,_

 _I'm a Lord but don't call me crazy!_

 _Who the frog is VI-_

"LORD BRAMBLECLAW, YOUR SINGING IS TERRIBLE AND YOU ARE INDEED A BEAUTY QUEEN, STOP! PLEASE!" begged Squirrelflight. "We'll use the cupcakes!"

Brambleclaw purred and hopped into his carriage/car, drawn by Thestrals. "Why is this car inside the battle plan room?!" snapped Squirrelflight, but Lord Brambleclaw had already exited through the spiked iron door and run over Hazeltail, who had been guarding it in the likely event that Witch Leapfool would defeat the titanium walls.

All of a sudden, a black maid pranced in, ignoring the dead body she had to step over.

"SQUIRRELFLIGHT!" Hollyleaf shrieked hysterically. "You and Brambleclaw should be resting!"

Lady Squirrelflight ignored her, huffing.

"LADY SQUIRRELFLIGHT, YOU AND LORD BRAMBLECLAW SHOULD BE RESTING."

"I'm trying to plan a counter-attack," snapped Lady Squirrelflight, sheathing her sword. "Witch Leafpool and her dastardly forces are getting closer to the heart of BrambleSquirrel Castle!"

"Shouldn't Brambleclaw be planning this? He's the Lord."

"So sexist, you little billyboggle!"

"THESE ARE MEDIEVAL TIMES! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL DISCRIMINATED! AND YOU FORCED ME TO DRESS AS A MAID, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!"

Lady Squirrelflight sighed. "I suppose I'll have to rest. I shall summon Brambleclaw on this weird rectangular device," she mewed, picking up her phone and calling her husband.

"Lord Brambleclaw, I request your presence in the castle. It is not wise to leave when Witch Leafpool is so close. Come at once."

She giggled in a very unlike-Lady-Squirrelflight way. Hollyleaf sighed.

Upstairs, Jayfeather was updating his Facebook profile.

Jayfeather: *updates profile from eternally single to in a relationship with Half Moon*

Half Moon: Hello!

Jayfeather: Hey! You okay in prison and the psychiatrist centre and everything.

Half Moon: I'm fine, thanks for asking. Gee Jayfeather, of course I'm not!

Jayfeather: Well, why not?

Bluestar: Hun, it's obvious. YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

Jayfeather: c:

Jayfeather: Brambleclaw and Squirelflight have Banana Fever. All alone and lovin' it at the BrambleSquirrel household.

Bluestar: That's nice *huffs*

Half Moon: Thank you for providing me with the privilege of a computer. It means a lot. Oh by the way I'm not crazy.

Bluestar: That's what they ALL say.

Jayfeather: No, she's serious.

Newt: Oi, mate, what's up?

Jayfeather: Oh my golly gosh Newt, I'm your biggest fan!

Newt: Isaac Newton thanks you for your support. He hopes to learn more about gravitational force.

Jayfeather: Whatever.

Poppyfrost: BABES! My kids are about to be apprenticed to the mining industry! So exciting.

Honeyfern: OMG! I'll be there watching ;)

Cinderheart: OMG! I'm going to kill myself ;)

Bluestar: THIS IS A PAGE FOR PEOPLE RELATED WITH PRISONERS ONLY! GET OUT!

A new post has appeared on the River Daily Facebook page.

 **Journalist: Reedwhisker**

 **Thornclaw, aged 37, has found a way to turn 37. He announced: "Have a 37** **th** **birthday in 37 years if you're a new-born, a 37** **th** **birthday in 36 years if you're 1 and so on."**

 **Authorities are currently shooting at his titanium walls-why does everyone have titanium walls-because he made two million dollars from this obvious clue.**

 **PM Blackstar is requesting that Blossomfall get over her loss and "date him instead".**

 **The siege is similar to that of the BrambleSquirrel household, which has been going on for a week. The only difference is that everyone there is an idiot, and the children have been held hostage for sixteen years. The prison strike team refuse to help, and their leader, Sunstrike stated that "she has no comment" though saying no comment is still a comment, even if it means nothing.**

 **President Obama from the "I like cheese" club hopes that the siege will end soon due to the fact that he left some cheddar in Mr Thornclaw's fridge orabyss.**

Jayfeather returned to the Half Moon x Jayfeather page-Free Half Moon!

Jayfeather: Can you believe this? Thornclaw's an idiot, but he's nothing like that! The government's spoiling his life just because PM Blackstar wants to date Blossomfall!

Half Moon: You're right! He's awful!

Bluestar: I'm tied in with the government. We've already given Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight Banana Fever so they can't tell anyone what hap-

Bluestar: Ignore that *refreshes desperately*

Jayfeather: I've been up here for two days. My parents caught Banana Fever? Great, no difference, really. I'll just block Bluestar from this page.

Half Moon: Sometimes the bad guys are our only hope.

Breezepelt: LORD VOLDEMORT, I DID NOT STEAL YOUR FUDGE!

Breezepelt: Wrong page again…

Jayfeather: Wut. To both of you, but mainly Half Moon.

Half Moon: Release me. Not advised by Warden Bluestar, but release me c:

Jayfeather: I really like you, but I don't want to go to prison!

Half Moon: We could be prison buddies!

Jayfeather: I give up. Bye, Half Moon. Still dating you though.

Jayfeather turned off his computer, and, upon hearing the screams downstairs between his phsyco sister and his sick mother, assumed that Hollyleaf was killing Lady Squirrelflight. An unusual silence filled the house even though the screams from his mother and sister.

 _Where's Hazeltail's complaining?_

The tabby cautiously edged his way down the wooden stairs. All of a sudden, an acacia wood trapdoor appeared on the left wall. Jayfeather looked down. He had pressed a sword shaped button into the steps with his feet.

The trapdoor read: SECRET HIDING PLACE SO SECRET THAT NO ONE WOULD KNOW TO STEP ON THE HUGE SWORD SHAPED BUTTON 23 STEPS FROM THE FOURTH FLOOR.

"Yep, obviously," growled the tom, opening the trap door and slipping inside.

The walls inside were grimy stone, and Jayfeather kept nudging up against them, squealing like a kit.

"This place is so tiny yet so grimy!" he exclaimed. "Ball of chewed gum, I WILL FIND YOU!"

He continued to rub against the walls, hoping that his chewed ball of gum would be in one of the many crevices that presented themselves to him.

After following the grime for a few minutes, the passageway sloped downwards and widened. Jayfeather continued feeling his way along. All of a sudden, he stepped on a soft bump on the ground, and, though the dimness of the corridor, recognised Hazeltail. "Hazeltail, you idiot, get up, mate!"

Hazeltail was not moving, and the screaming had faded away for some reason.

"Hollyleaf, you're behind the door with Squirrelflight, waiting to kill me again, aren't you?" he growled, cautiously edging away.

Hazeltail was limp and unmoving on the ground. Jayfeather looked at her face. She was inviting him to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. "Damn, Hazeltail! Back at it again with the cheatings!"

He clasped his hands and began to push on her heart. Still she did not move. "Oh no," he muttered, leaning down to-

 **WE APOLOGISE FOR NOT REVEALING THIS SCENE. IT IS TOO DISGUSTING AND CHEATY TO BE CONSIDERED A GOOD THING. SORRY FOR ANY CONVINIENCE, GET A LIFE.**

The message flashed up on a random screen that had appeared behind Jayfeather. He did not notice. The m-t-m began, Jayfeather grimacing as he lowered himself to Hazeltail. He kissed (or rather gave her breath). Hey eyes mysteriously opened the moment he "kissed" her and she pulled him closer. Jayfeather recoiled, disgust making him savage. "I AM NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE. I'M NOT EVEN SINGLE, I'M STILL WITH HALF MOON, YOU CREEP!"

Hazeltail gasped at him, then began to smoke.

"YOU SMOKE TOO, HAZELTAIL! EUGH!"

Hazeltail put down her cigarette, looked at Jayfeather, and Disapparated. He sighed, roundhouse kicked the TV and walked into the gloomy medieval room.

"SQUIRRELFLIGHT, HOLLYLEAF, GO TO BED! HONESTLY, IT'S LIKE I'M A FATHER!"

His father suddenly appeared and ran over Jayfeather with his carriage. Jayfeather screamed. A trapdoor to hell opened up and he fell to the centre of the Earth.

"FOR NARNIA!" shouted Hollyleaf uncertainly, jumping out from behind a curtain and looking at her crazy parents.

Squirrelflight detached from the shadowed roof. Brambleclaw climbed out of his carriage with his phone. "Got your message."

Squirrelflight grinned at him, "WE GOT JAY GOOD, TAYLOR!"

They noogied each other repeatedly, giving Hollyleaf time to sneak out of the basement and lock her fake parents inside, where she froze them. The basement happened to be a portal to Antarctica, through the garbage abyss. Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw were sucked into the cold, rocky environment.

"The cure for Banana Fever!" meowed Hollyleaf. "There isn't one! I'll just kill 'em!"

She jumped into the hellivator. Crying with joy, she grabbed a remote with self-destruct buttons and "other completely normal-looking buttons" and began to blow up everything she had rigged for the past three weeks. Half Moon's prison blew up. Hazeltail blew up. Bluestar exploded in swirls of guns. The prison strike team's mopeds exploded, the prison strike team with them.

As she fell, Hollyleaf blew up Australia. She accidently pressed the buttons for North and South America, Europe, Asia, Africa and Antarctica.

Now, the Earth way completely covered in salty water. Everyone, including her parents, but not the cats in her house had been murdered. Having no remorse for these lives, she blew up StarClan.

Hollyleaf continued tumbling down the hellivator shaft, she gazed momentarily at the last two buttons. Wincing slightly, she pressed down on one button. Her house, along with Lionblaze, her true parents and their army and little Cherrykit, the last kit on Earth, disintegrated. Finally, there was only one button left.

She witnessed her brother below her, screaming for Half Moon.

"HALF MOON CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW!" she giggled maniacally.

She pushed the last button just as Jayfeather hit Tartarus and was mushed against the filthy ground. As she approached the River Cocytus (river of sadness), she pressed the self-destruct button. The remote exploded in a supernova, obliterating Hollyleaf immediately. Hell was destroyed, all traces of life burned in a flash of colourful beauty that would be the last thing anyone remembered. Hollyleaf died the last creature on Earth, happily reciting to Cherrykit's ghost how she had rigged up everything so quickly, the fire ad gas of the explosion pushing all ghosts through space into black holes until there was nothing lef-

"WOOOOO!" Hollyleaf woke up, smiling.

Her house was still here. The trapdoor did not exist. Tartarus did not exist. Her remote did not exist. Her boyfriend, Mousewhisker, but not Mousewhiskerstyles from One Cataraction who did not exist, slept beside her, nuzzling her.

"For some reason, I feel like destroying the world in a huge suicidal bombing!" meowed Hollyleaf, and she got to work, creating the Earth's real destruction.


End file.
